Boldness is a mask for fear,

Hadyn had left the deck to meet with several sellers for various items the theatre had needed for their new productions. It was a routine sort of trip, and not one that had been expected to be overly eventful. After all, The Hearts did not engage in the sort of business that the other Suits seemed to be regularly embroiled in. Drew had let him go with just a promise to see him in a few days, and a promise to try to eat more than a salad while he was gone.

And in truth, Hadyn had expected nothing out of the ordinary with his trip, either. He had even concluded much of his business early, and taken the time to ride to the South of France to look out over the landscape of the French country side. He also found himself standing outside his mother's home, and her prison. She had let him in, and her servants had brought him tea. And for a moment, a brief moment, a weight in Hadyn's chest lifted as his mother congratulated him on his Rank. For that one brief moment in time, she seemed proud of something he had done.

Seemed.

Like the flash of a bulb, her words ripped that brief happiness from him. They aimed at his heart, they cut wounds that no eyes would ever see as she stood and leaned across the table. "You were nothing but a mistake, a tool to be used! I should have killed you the day you left my womb, but I did not. Even a mistake should have had its uses, to support his brother. To be a sacrifice, bleed for a King. You had one job! One purpose! And such a fool was I to ever believe you have potential to fulfill it."

A mistake. Mistake.

From the moment he'd learned that his father was not the man he thought, to this moment now he had always felt that weight on his shoulders. Georgios Kattalakis had never cared to save Hadyn from his prison of ignorance, his mother (as she told him, explicitly) used his need for affection to manipulate him, Dwayne Novak...and used his fist. He was a burden to those around him, he knew. He could often see the weariness in Drew's eyes, the worry as he regarded Hadyn from day to day. Others still came around less, few called in to see that he was fine...but rarely did it last for long. His own brother, Jordan...

Jordan's nightmares haunted him, Hadyn knew as well as any. He could see his brother pulling away from him, the anger and disgust in his features. It wasn't fist that Jordan used any longer to take his anger out on his brother, it was his silence. As if Hadyn's troubles were too much, too dramatic and tiresome for Jordan to deal with any longer. As though, as though he wanted him to just...go away.

So he had, hadn't he? He'd pulled back, resigned himself to fake smiles and distant stares. His heart ached, but he did not wish to burden Jordan with his misery if Jordan did not wish to see it. He could survive without that reassurance, he had thought.

And Zoe? Zoe had her own happiness now, with smiles and joy that came from a distant mountain of a man. Victor Fox had never struck Hadyn as capable of love, but then he witnessed something he doubted few others had- he watched Victor as he watched Zoe. Eyes soft, and lips hinting of a smile as his gaze never faltered. She had become the center of his universe, and Zoe had grown and flourished in that love. His strength became her's, and he gave it willingly.

And it pained him to see. Because he was incapable to capturing that fleeting happiness. His relationships of late were at arms length, hurt and fear driving deep wedges between him and his partners. And why? Because his heart had belonged to another man, a man who did not need him. Did not, perhaps, want him. Elisha had driven a knife deep, deeper than any other ever had. He'd uttered three words, and then ripped them out of his grasp as easily as Laureline's acidic words ripped his heart apart.

'I love you', he had said. He'd said it so easily, so casually. 'I love you'. And then he'd ended it, driving the knife to the hilt and pushing Hadyn away. Proving the one that Hadyn always felt but never spoke to others- he was unlovable. Unwanted. Unneeded. Tarnished and broken. A mistake that should never have been. He was the source of so much misery in others, demanding attentions that were not his to demand. They wouldn't need to be burdened with his misery if he...would simply disappear.

In retrospect, he hardly remembered having left his Mother's house. He barely registered the speed in which is drove his bike, pushing faster and recklessly forward as words kept replaying in his head: Mistake, unwanted, unloved, tarnished and broken. Mistake. He was a mistake. A burden.

A car's horn blaring at him brought him back in time to jerk his bike out of the way of on coming traffic, hitting the dirt on the side of the road and skidding out. His bike flipped, flinging the thin rider off and down the embankment before it too went flying and crashing down, landing on top of his legs after both man and bike bounced and tumbled down to the shore of a frozen lake. He could feel the cold of the ground seeping in past his riding leathers as he laid there, staring out through his shattered visor as people rushed down the embankment toward him.

This, he thought as his eyes dipped shut, was probably a better way to die.

Below are Hadyn's prompts from the drabble table in heartafterheart's journal.